so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
