she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
