I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
