I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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