once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
