I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
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