Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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