Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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