Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
