i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
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