my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
