Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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