Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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