Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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