I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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