dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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