at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize