A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
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