You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
