Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
