I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
