Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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