I will die if light touches me.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
