The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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