I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize