When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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