I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
