Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
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