I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
