I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
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