You just made me feel so damn special
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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