Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Randomize
