so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize