you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
