my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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