i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize