I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
