Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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