Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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