I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize