your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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