god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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