why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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