Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
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