i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
