I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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