literally had 100 drinks last night.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
