Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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