I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
