what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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