someone threw a dead crab at me
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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