i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
