Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize