i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
