yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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