There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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