just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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