im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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