Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
